If I could say I love you
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: They were everything the other wanted but couldn't be. Admiration. Friendship. And then came the inevitable attraction. But were they really worthy for each other? Doubt. Denial. No matter how hard they tried, they never could forget what they felt.
1. Athrun and Nicol

_Well, here comes my first Athrun/Nicol fic. Athrun and Nicol are both difficul characters (at least for me, anyway), so I might have trouble with their characterization. Please look over minor ooc-ness, but warn me for major ones._

_This fic is dedicated to **reckless-rage**, one of my reviewers for "The Worst Day of His Life". She requested for a fic with Athrun as the main character, and well, here it is. I hope you like it!_

_Disclaimer: If and only if I owned Gundam Seed, I would not have killed Nicol. And Strike Rouge would _not_ have been pink (I'm sorry but I just don't like that color, and plus, doesn't rouge mean red? Sorry if I'm wrong...). _

* * *

Athrun was everything he wasn't and couldn't be.

Smart, graceful, charismatic, confident, always sure of what he was doing… Athrun radiated a kind of light, and people could not help but to be attracted to the blue-haired youth. Silent and thoughtful, yet active and a strong speaker at the same time. Successful in anything and everything he tried…

Athrun Zala was seemingly perfect, flawless. Athrun was what he wanted to be, and what everyone else had expected him to be. Athrun was his idol.

He never fathomed he could ever talk to Athrun. He had half considered Athrun as a deity that lived outside of his world. Athrun seemed to have some kind of holiness within, and he didn't consider himself worthy to talk to someone like that.

xoxox

Nicol was everything he wasn't and couldn't be.

Gentle, warm, friendly, cared so much for the others… The mere presence of Nicol was warm and comforting. Nicol somehow managed to be nice to everyone, no matter how despicable that person was. There was deep understanding in those soft brown eyes, a quality he wished he had too.

Nicol Amarfi was someone everyone could feel at home with. Nicol was what he wanted to be, but what everyone else damned him from becoming.

He was never allowed to let gentleness creep into his ways. He had to be strong, since it was 'not the nature of a soldier or politician' to show someone kindness. He envied and admired Nicol for being so innocent; the kind of innocence different from ignorance. He considered himself too tainted to be close with it.

xoxox

Both hadn't expected to ever talk with the other, since they believed they were unworthy of the other's attention. But fate decided to pull them together in the most undignified, ironic way possible. Not that the two ever regretted it though.

Athrun and Nicol were the two youngest in the ZAFT Military Academy, but they were still much better than most of their older classmates. In fact, Athrun _was_ the best, and though Nicol didn't have Athrun's capability, he was still a 'given' future-ZAFT Red. They were both sons of members from the Council. Their good looks and amiable personality attracted the few female students, and though Nicol remained oblivious to this fact, they both had a secret fan club sort of thing.

The other male students didn't find this amusing. Soon enough, the two found themselves social outcasts in the academy, with no one to talk to or hang out with. They were constantly followed by cold gazes and sarcastic comments. Athrun quickly got used to it, since he was used to this kind of treatment. Just think of it as an extension of his personal life.

Nicol was another case. It was the first time he received such hostility, and he really had no idea why. He was used to being happy, surrounded by friends, and staying in a warm atmosphere. That was how he was raised. Unlike Athrun, who was able to cope with the change, Nicol started failing in all aspects of his life.

They both received occasional beatings from older students. There wouldn't be a day when Athrun or Nicol was completely bruise-free, but everyone pretended not to notice. Nicol constantly had a scared look in his once-gentle eyes, and even Athrun was starting to act devoid of emotion.

They still didn't talk to each other, afraid of rejection.

xoxox

It was only about a month later that they came face to face with each other.

A few older students had called Nicol to an empty classroom during lunch for a 'talk'. Or so they said it. In reality, they just wanted to beat the crap out of him…solely for fun…and Nicol knew it too. He had wasted countless other lunchtimes like that. A refusal just meant more beatings, so he obliged, hoping it wouldn't cost him the whole break.

An unfriendly shove threw him to a nearby table, but he hardly felt the physical pain. His anger and hatred were closing up to their limit. And when he usually kept his mouth shut, on _that_ day, he decided to talk back.

The result? A huge bruise on his stomach and left thigh, a badly twisted wrist, a small bruise on his chin, and a bleeding cut above his right eye. Nicol felt like bursting into sarcastic laughter, loathing his own weakness, when a sharp voice brought him back to the real world.

"Hey! What are you doing?"  
Nicol immediately recognized the voice to be Athrun's. He cringed thinking how pathetic he must look at the moment.  
"Pretty boy, get out of here!"  
One of the students shouted, making _very_ unfriendly gestures. Athrun scanned through the whole room, not quite understanding everything…when he saw Nicol on the floor.

"What the…"  
"Or you wanna be beaten up too?"  
"You are all _sick_. Your thoughts are so _low_, that is why you will always stay at the bottom."  
Athrun's voice was filled with menace, and his fists were clenched at his sides.  
"You…"  
"I'm right, am I not? _You_ get out now and leave that boy alone, then I won't tell on you. _For this once only_."  
The last sentence was a low hiss. The other students knew they touched a nerve, so they left the room swearing.

"Nicol? Nicol Amarfi, right?"  
Athrun said as he ran over to the younger boy. It was not as if he didn't know who Nicol was; in fact, he had been chasing Nicol forever with his eyes, but he needed something to start the conversation.  
"Are you okay?"  
Apparently he was anything _but_ okay, but it was another thing to keep the conversation going. Nicol just looked confused, and looked at Athrun with scared eyes. Nicol had never thought he would ever talk to Athrun, and he didn't know why Athrun even knew his name.

"W…why?"  
"Huh?"  
"My name. You know my name."  
"Oh, uh… We are in the same class. I'm Athrun Zala, by the way."  
"I know. Who doesn't?"  
_Of course_ they knew about each other. Considering how much time they spent observing the other, it was a miracle how their gazes never met.

"Well… Let's go to the clinic. You're pretty bruised up."  
Athrun said uneasily, and they both walked to the clinic in awkward silence. It was soon replaced by Athrun's anger when Nicol showed him all the bruises and scars. Athrun went on a short speech about how Nicol didn't deserve this, that it wasn't his fault he was so smart, and he was responsible for nothing. Athrun was enraged to see the innocence he admired tainted in such an evil way.

Nicol broke into tears right then and there. It had been a while since anyone gave him that much attention, and Athrun sounded sincere. He suddenly felt safe, and the tension he built inside himself broke off. Soon a pair of arms pulled him into a brotherly embrace, and there they sat for the entire break.

After that, they were often seen together. They were both uneasy at first, being so close to the ones they admired, but soon it turned to plain comfort and a sense of security. They talked about anything and everything, and they were surprised to find out the other wasn't what they thought they were. Athrun wasn't the perfectly composed boy Nicol thought him to be. Nicol wasn't the oh-so-innocent boy Athrun thought him to be. In fact, Athrun had a habit to be overly indecisive at times, and Nicol had a dark and manipulative side only noticeable through intense observation.

Athrun and Nicol were just normal teenagers after all, with their own faults and insecurities. No matter how they might have appeared to others, they suffered from what everyone else in the world suffered from.

That discovery didn't diminish their admiration for each other. No, they looked up to each other more, except not in their old 'his-holiness' sort of way. They were immensely amazed at how the other was able to act the way they did, now that they knew who the other really was.

Now that they finally got into _enjoying_ their school life, time seemed to fly by. They eventually met up with Yzak, Dearka and Rusty, who also didn't fit in for their exceptional grades. Well, Rusty actually did; he was too irresistibly funny and care-free for anyone to hate him. As for Yzak and Dearka, they couldn't have cared less what other people thought. They were the best of friends, and they were happy (no matter how unbelievable that was on Yzak's part) as long as they had each other. They lived in their own world, Rusty once said.

The five of them just became 'one happy family' as Rusty phrased it. Or 'a group of crazy bastards' as Yzak phrased it. But really, deep down it was 'Athrun and Nicol' and 'Yzak and Dearka' and an occasional Rusty.

Either way, they usually went together, making stupid jokes and talking about senseless things. They were all friends (as unbelievable as it was on Yzak and Athrun's case) who more or less cared about each other.

Not a month had passed when Athrun and Nicol started seeing the other in a different light. Like, how Nicol's expression became so calm and beautiful when he played the piano. Or how Athrun's hair partly shadowed his eyes when he looked down, giving him a spellbinding atmosphere. Or how they felt so awkward when the other was talking…and smiling at someone else. The admiration had turned into something deeper, something there was no escaping from…Something they knew was a sin.

Athrun had fallen for Nicol, and Nicol had fallen for Athrun.


	2. February 13

Athrun unconsciously tightened his grip on the gun he was holding, straining from his desire to just shoot a certain _something_. Or someone. Or some people, considering _they_ were more than one. Good thing it was target practice, which was a _class_ although some people either didn't know it or was ignoring the fact, or he _really_ would have shot _them._

He glanced at his classmates, and was somehow relieved to see he was not the only one.

Nicol had one of his 'black' expressions on, which was a _huge_ STOP sign to those who knew it, but a very adorable smile (and how they were wrong!) to anyone else. It was something he picked up only _after_ he met with Athrun, and he already sent 3 (as far as Athrun was concerned) people to the asylum after having that face. Only when something…in this case, some people…really, really pissed him off did he make that expression. And it wasn't easy to get him _seriously_ mad.

Yzak was shooting _his_ gun as indifferently as ever, with his trademark furrowed brows that you'd think would be etched permanently on his face by now. Oh, nothing was noticeably different about him. He was constantly pissed off for no apparent reason, so that was his normal state. Still, if one observed _carefully_, you could see his face twitching ever so slightly.

Dearka was chatting casually with Rusty over the partition, earning a disapproving look from the advisor. They both had their usual cocky grin that annoyed Yzak (and occasionally Athrun) to hell and back, while discussing some things about their guns and so. Though their faces and gestures indicated _nothing_ out of the blue, their eyes were hell of a lot colder than the North Pole. Highly _un-amused_, if I must say.

So what _was_ the reason our …er… pleasant (as if) companions were feeling so unpleasant?

Answer: Noise.

_Oh, what's so wrong with that?_ You _have_ to be there to fully understand the horror of such a seemingly small, trivial thing as noise. Only _then_ would you have the right to actually say anything about it.

"God damnit."  
Athrun swore in a low voice only the other four was able to catch.  
"Wow, I can't believe _you_ are actually swearing. You know how unusual that is?"  
Nicol answered with that black smile plastered onto his face, and Athrun was inwardly glad that _he_ wasn't the cause for it.  
"Man, don't blame Athrun. _This_ is enough to drive anyone insane for the rest of their lives."  
"_You_ alone are enough to drive _me_ insane, Dearka."  
"Aw, I'm so hurt."  
"Shut the _fuck_ up and shoot. Now. Unless you want _me_ to make a hole through that empty head of yours."  
Rusty sighed as the usual bickering between Dearka and Yzak started.

"Can _both_ of you shut up, since you are adding to this already ear-splitting noise?"  
The orange haired boy said, while the others noticed how even his grin was gone by now. _That_ was surely something."This. Is. So. Annoying."  
Athrun said through gritted teeth, trying hard to control his violent emotions he himself didn't know he had. He clicked his tongue when he realized his aim was slowly getting inaccurate. He glanced over to Nicol, and saw it was the same case with him. Rusty and Dearka were not even bothering to shoot anymore, while Yzak still indifferently shot his aim perfectly.

"Yzak…"  
Yzak just twitched when Athrun called his name. He paused shooting for a while and looked at Athrun.  
"_What_?"  
"How can you actually concentrate like _this_?"  
"You just lack will-power, Zala."  
His sneer only went halfway through due to Dearka's interruption.  
"He's just used to noise. His mother alone can make twice as much noise as _this_, trust me. And he went through that for seventeen years of his life."  
"Ooh, who knew Yzak was so attached to his mother?"

Bullets missed Dearka and Rusty's faces by less than an inch, and a few strands of blonde and orange hair fell to the ground.  
"What the hell did you do _that_ for!"  
Dearka shouted at his silver-haired so-called best friend, who merely shrugged.  
"I missed."  
"Damn you, Yzak."

Ignoring the next series of curses, Nicol quietly glanced at Athrun.  
"…Athrun?"  
"What?"  
"I'd still be charged for murder if I shot them, right?"  
"Uh…yeah."  
"That sucks."  
Athrun gave a strained laugh which sounded more like a cackle. Nicol might seem so innocent, but he had already learnt how deceiving looks can be. Not that he minded it at all. He loved Nicol that way.

Uh…did I just say _love_?

Well, now for the second question. What exactly _was_ the noise, and who caused it?

Answer: Fangirl screams.

"Don't they have anything better to do?"  
Dearka sighed, getting tired of fighting with Yzak. He glanced at the bunch of girls (more like the whole population of female students in ZAFT, since the vast majority were male anyway). They should have noticed something when Dearka and Rusty didn't even bother to flirt with them, but excitement can make people blind.

"…Hey, Nicol?"  
Yzak said after emptying his bullet cartridge, not one of them missing the bulls-eye. The other four also listened with curiosity …and a hint of jealousy from Athrun… to his next remark. Though Yzak and Nicol were supposedly friends, they didn't really talk to each other. The principle of 'Athrun and Nicol' and 'Yzak and Dearka' at work.  
"What was it that you said a while ago?"  
"Uh…oh. Will I still be charged for murder if I shot at them?"  
Yzak nodded, and glanced over to the bunch of fangirls. The screams increased a little while Yzak picked up another cartridge with disinterest.

Or, to be more accurate, _feigned_ disinterest.

Yzak raised his gun after reloading it, and aimed again at the target. But right before he actually shot, he shifted to the left ever-so-slightly, thus hitting the metal frame which sent the bullet right in the middle of the noisy (and what an understatement that is) group. Horrified screams momentarily increased the total noise, but everything quieted down into _complete_ silence about five seconds later.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I _missed_. I guess you should stay away since it's not safe…"  
Before Yzak even finished his sentence, the whole group had disappeared into thin air. The much needed _peace_ and _quiet _had finally arrived in the room. About a minute later, Dearka and Rusty burst into hysteric laughter while Yzak bowed with a sarcastic expression on his face.

"Oh, I see. I'd be charged for murder only if I actually kill them. If I _miss_, I wouldn't, right?"  
Nicol said innocently to the others, the _blackness_ gone without a trace from his actions. Athrun gave an awkward smile knowing that Nicol just learned something he was probably better off not knowing.

"But you know, why were there…er…more of them than usual?"  
Rusty said while _finally_ resuming the long-ago abandoned task of shooting. Note how he said _more than usual_, meaning there always were fangirls…but to a bearable degree.  
"…February 13?"  
"So?"  
"It's the day before Valentine's, dumbass."  
Dearka said matter-of-factly, but Rusty still seemed confused. Yzak just rolled his eyes, while Athrun and Nicol diligently resumed shooting like the _good_ student they were.

"So what the hell does that have to do with us having to suffer all that noise?"  
"They're all getting perked up because of the up-coming _day of love_."  
"And…?"  
"Either they plan on getting us something, or they hope they'd somehow caught our attention and we'd confess our never ending love to them."  
"_Right_. That _so_ does not happen."  
"Don't worry, most of it will be _Athrun_. More than half of the female population are after him anyway."  
Nobody noticed that Nicol missed the next shot by about an inch.

"You are _hopeless_, Rusty. No wonder why you still don't have a girlfriend."  
Dearka said with mock-exasperation, forcing an indignant remark from the other boy.  
"So what, _you_ have one?"  
"I'm not exactly _free_ if that's what you mean."  
The blonde grinned widely, while Athrun and Nicol both missed their shots.

"You _have _a girlfriend?"  
"As in _one_? Or you mean you're just playing around with different girls?"  
All five students momentarily stopped shooting at the sudden diversion of the topic. Dearka himself shifted a little when he saw Athrun and Nicol sputtering wide-eyed.  
"Er… Why are you so interested?"  
"Because you don't seem the type to settle with _one_ specific person."  
"So, who is it? Anyone we know?"  
"Uh…well… I'm not telling you."

Dearka returned his attention towards his gun uneasily, humming the newest Lacus Clyne's single. The rest then turned to Yzak.  
"Yzak, you'd know, right? You're Dearka's best friend."  
"Since when _was_ I Dearka's best friend?"  
"Aw, come on. You guys stick around, like, every waking moment of your lives."  
Yzak instantly shot a glare at the three, and then to Dearka. He loaded his gun, and another tuft of golden hair fell to the ground.  
"YZAK! The hell did you do that for?"  
"For causing all this _unwanted_ commotion, loser."

Much to the advisor's relief, the rest of target practice passed with complete, _utter_ silence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Am I the only one who is having trouble with these lines? Somehow, they never appear...  
__So yeah, this is my next chapter. Thanks to my reviewers especially reckless-rage! _

_Shooting is the only thing Yzak beat Athrun in in the Academy, and I'm thinking it was only because of the difference in resistance to female noise. Lol._


	3. Blunder

February 13. The day before St. Valentine's, the _so-called_ day of love. The day the city turned red and pink and the suffocating smell of chocolate filled the air. The day all the girls flocked around their crushes, which was a synonym for 'Athrun' in the ZAFT academy.

A day that was pure torture for Nicol, at least.

Target practice was proof enough. Oh sure, there always were girls flocking around to watch them shoot…or really, whatever they did. But this whole _Valentine's magic_ …a borrowed term from Dearka… was making everything worse. It was fine for those girls who could openly express their…affection towards who they wanted to, but things weren't as easy for Nicol. Boys just don't go confessing their love to other boys, right? _Right?_

What _would_ Athrun think if Nicol suddenly went up to him and handed him a chocolate, complete with a card with some _romantic_ poem about how much the younger boy loved him? Oh, yeah, sure. That so does _not_ happen.

Or so Nicol thought anyway. He remained oblivious to the fact that Athrun actually would have appreciated that. In fact, that was what Athrun secretly hoped would happen ever since he started seeing Nicol in a different light. But then, Athrun too was in the same dilemma as Nicol: even if he really _did_ love the other, being gay isn't the easiest thing to confess. Plus, what if the other didn't feel the same way, or worse, shunned him thinking he was psycho?

Nicol heaved a heavy sigh while carrying his books and music sheets to his locker. It really wasn't like him to think of these things. _Really_. He supposedly resolved before that he would keep his feelings a secret, did he not? He really didn't think Athrun would ever look at him _that_ way anyways, not when he was so popular with girls. And hot ones at that.

Oh, and wasn't Athrun also engaged to Lacus Clyne? How _could_ he forget that? Lacus Clyne was the most famous singer in PLANTS, known not only for her beautiful songs and pretty looks but for her approach to world peace. She was loved and respected by everyone, and there was no way Nicol could ever compete with Athrun's more-than-perfect fiancée.

The green haired boy was so lost in his own world that he didn't notice a figure coming his way.

xoxox

_February 13._ Athrun thought bitterly as he stormed down the hallway.

Really. What was the big deal about Valentine's anyway? Did the people actually realize that it originally was a day to commemorate a priest who was tortured to death for marrying soldiers? And to think the _real_ day didn't even come yet! Target practice was more than enough, and he _did not_ need so much girls he didn't even know flocking him and asking him if he had time tomorrow. Because he didn't. If it was _Nicol_ asking him if he had time, yes he did; but he really didn't have time to entertain people he hardly knew. ZAFT military academy was much more demanding than he expected it to be.

Oh, Nicol. Athrun wondered vaguely if the younger boy even knew what Valentine's meant. Okay, well he _did_. Athrun was wondering if Nicol knew what he hoped it meant for him. Or, to make the long, confusing statement short, Athrun was wondering if Nicol ever felt _that_ way about him.

Not knowing is a very tragic thing, is it not?

Keeping all those feelings a secret wasn't the easiest thing to do for Athrun. Every now and then, he'd find himself fantasizing about Nicol. Sometimes even lusting over him. But Athrun had enough sense to know that wasn't accepted in the society. You seriously aren't supposed to be feeling that way towards someone the same gender, right?

And to make matters worse, Athrun was _engaged_ to Lacus Clyne. Everyone seemed to think of them as the ultimate couple, but they never thought of each other as someone special. They were just friends who, because of some twisted fate and the political status of their parents, ended up as a future man-and-wife against their will. Which led to so much unfixable misunderstandings.

Why couldn't life be simple? Why did he have to live through all this? If he could just tell Nicol how he felt, without having to think about all those things… But well, he still might not. Rejection is a very scary thing.

He too was so immersed in his thoughts that he failed to notice a person coming his way.

xoxox

When you are too occupied with something, you usually cannot react to another thing that suddenly appears. So was the case with Athrun and Nicol. They were too busy thinking that when they noticed they were about to bump into each other, and they couldn't really react to it. They both landed on the ground and Nicol's music sheets flew all over.

"A…thrun?"  
"Nicol…"  
They were momentarily stunned by the appearance of who they were thinking about. Then, they both blushed furiously.  
"Oh…s…sorry, I was being careless…"  
"No, uh…my fault for… not looking front."  
Awkward silence followed as Athrun helped Nicol pick up his sheets. When every piece of loose paper was safe back in Nicol's binder, Athrun opened his mouth.

"Uh… Is that your new piece?"  
Nicol's face instantly lit up with pride. It _was_, and it was by far the best piece he had written. And he had written quite a lot. In fact, if it weren't for the fact he was in the military academy, he could have already established his name as a composer and musician. He did loose his inspiration for the first few months in the academy, but ever since he met Athrun, he had been bombarded with new ideas.  
"Yup. Just finished it yesterday."  
"Oh really?"  
Athrun studied the notes with great care, and traced it with his long fingers. The action was so beautiful, elegant even, that Nicol was mesmerized by it.  
_His hands are so beautiful… More pianist-like than mine are. It's a pity he pilots mobile suits…_

Athrun noticed how Nicol's gaze softened and a gentle expression spread through his face. Trying to suppress a blush from spreading across _his_ face, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.  
"Nicol? Would you mind playing that piece for me?"  
Nicol was taken aback by the statement and stared blankly into Athrun's eyes for a moment. Play the piece? _In front of him?  
_"Um…now?"  
"…Well, that is if you don't have class. I mean, I don't want your grades to go down because of me…"  
The green haired boy blinked. In front of him was Athrun, _Athrun goddamnit_, who actually sincerely looked like he wanted to hear the piece. He actually _did_ have class, and he was just about to be late, but did that really matter in a situation like this? A few months ago it would have, but not anymore.

"Sure."  
Nicol said with what he hoped was a smile.

xoxox

Not even five minutes later, the two were in the music room of the academy. They did not understand why they would even _have_ a music room, but it didn't really matter. There was only the two of them, and that was all that mattered.

Nicol took in a deep breath, and gently placed his hands on the keys. Then he took another deep breath and pressed the keys.

_D, F#, B…all the way down to D, A, B…_

It always was a strange feeling when such slight movement on your fingers made such a huge instrument sound… and how depending on your touch, it would make a gentle, soft sound or a harsh, intimidating tone…

_D, E, A, G#, A, E…_

Athrun watched with amazement as the younger boy continued to play his piece. It _was_ one of the best ones yet, and there was something in it that made his heart shudder. The melody was not that sad, and the tone of it was not either, but there was _something_. He could not quite place it, but it was there.

He shifted his gaze to Nicol's face, and immediately dropped his previous thoughts. It was just so tranquil… and beautiful… and nothing possibly was capable of disturbing it. Warmness grew in his heart, and he was somehow tempted to hug the younger boy. He held it back though, since he knew that would disrupt the piece.

The beauty of the piece flowed into Athrun and it became such a natural part of him that he did not even notice it cease. What brought him back to the real world was Nicol gazing at him worriedly, anticipating for a comment on the piece.

"It's beautiful."  
A cliché it may seem, but that was the only thing that came to his mind. And that was the only thing that could have started describing what it was like. Cheap words had no room to creep into his mind.  
"…Thank you."  
Nicol said with a faint blush coloring his cheeks. It was just so cute that it was actually embarrassing watching him blush. They both smiled at each other goofily, all previous anticipations evaporated into thin air. Because for that moment, and if only that moment, it was only the two of them in the entire world…and nothing mattered except that they had each other.

A fluttering moment of silence passed, and they started inching towards each other. And before they both knew what was happening, something warm touched their lips and the other's face was right in front of them. A tingling sensation went down their spine, and a split moment later they jerked away with bewilderment in their eyes.

"Why…?"  
Athrun let out a faint whisper, and Nicol widened his eyes this time with fright. He backed away, trying to escape from the situation. He felt the doorknob at the back of his hands, and he quickly turned it and ran down the hallway before Athrun could ask any more questions.

Athrun was left in the music room, staring at the music sheets Nicol left. He did not understand what just happened, or why it happened.  
_Why? What? ……Why?  
_Those words just circled both of their minds as one ran out of the building and the other slowly picked up the sheets with trembling arms.

* * *

_The piano piece Nicol plays here is "Nicol's PianoNamida no Theme" by Kakijima Shinji. I did not make it up therefore I do not own it._

_And I'm sorry to all of my readers... Yes, I DID take forever updating. I'm very sorry, and I love you all for being patient with me._


	4. Surprise

_No, no… It's all a bad dream. It _has_ to be…_

Nicol cursed himself as he raced up the stairs to his dorm room. Everything was going so perfectly, at least for him, until…until…

_That blunder._

He shook his head furiously while he fumbled with his keys, trying to unlock the door. There never was a moment before when he loathed the school rule to lock the door at all times so much. He just hoped Athrun wouldn't come running after him before he could get in the room…

Or no. Why _would_ Athrun even come after him? After _that_? Tears rose in his eyes as he finally managed to turn the knob and slam the door behind him. He just could not believe what he had just done. Or was it _Athrun_ who did it? Not that it mattered. It happened, and that was enough to ruin everything. His life, his school career, his friendship…

He crumbled on the floor, detachedly feeling hot tears running down his cheeks, despair filling his heart.

xoxox

_How could I… or did he? Or…_

Athrun cursed his fingers for shaking so much as he picked up the scattered sheets off the floor and the piano. Wasn't it ironic that that was the second time that day to pick up those sheets, with his hand trembling but for such different reasons? The first time he was excited and surprised to run into Nicol. The second, it was just out of plain horror and disbelief.

His mind was too blurry and confused to do any logical thinking, but one thing was for sure: He…or they, but it hardly mattered…made an unfixable mistake. It had been perfectly fine then, when he could just admire Nicol from a certain distance, and pretended it was friendship when he got any closer. Now that they had crossed a line, it was as though the whole world had come down shattering around them.

And how those pieces hurt.

Carefully placing all the sheets into the binder Nicol left, he left the music room, hoping he looked like he normally did.

xoxox

"Hey, where is Nicol…and Athrun?"  
Dearka wondered out loud as he walked into the cafeteria with Yzak. The two weren't the hardest people to find, not even with a huge room bustling with similarly dressed students. He waved to Rusty as the orange head popped in the other door, while Yzak merely gave an indifferent shrug.  
"How should _I_ know where those _kids_ ran off to? I am not their _babysitter_ for heaven's sake."  
"…One of those kids beating you in most of the subjects?"  
"Shut the _fuck_ up, Elsman."  
Yzak shot a death glare at his companion as they fell in line for the food.

Merely 5 minutes later, Yzak broke the silence…between them, anyway…to ask the exact same question.  
"Where _are_ those two?"  
"That's what I just asked."  
"I know, goddamnit."  
"Well, if _I _asked, then I obviously do not know."  
"……You useless idiot."  
"Excuse _me._"  
Dearka said with an overdone gesture while he sat down in an empty table…and _oh_, how hard those things were to come by. Yzak followed, and shortly after Rusty joined the party.

"Where are Athrun and Nicol?"  
Rusty asked while filling his mouth with mashed potatoes. Yzak furrowed his eyebrows in _disdain_ as he _daintily_ cut his Salisbury steak.  
"Good job, Rusty. As if you aren't the five hundredth person to ask that."  
Dearka huffed and started competing with Rusty to see how much mashed potatoes were physically possible to fit in a _Home sapiens sapiens_' mouth.

Yzak sighed and looked out of the (very distant) window. Now that he was stuck with the two noisiest, most unscrupulous individuals from the bunch, he took a moment to appreciate the presence of the quiet, modest Nicol and smart (and how he hated to admit that), diligent Athrun.

"Salisbury steak was Nicol's favorite thing from the cafeteria… Why _would_ he miss it?"  
The mention of food unexpectedly caught the two's attention, pulling them into a pensive state. Or as close as they would get to it anyway.  
"…Are they sick?"  
"Looked fine when I saw them this morning."  
"Uh… They could have done something wrong…or failed a test or something."  
"This is _Athrun_ and _Nicol_ we are talking about, Dearka. Not _you_."  
"Okay, you can stop sounding like my mother now."  
"_What_ do you mean by that?"

The three continued their meals in utter silence, not noticing how much they've become attached to one another. Yzak, Dearka and Rusty all wouldn't have cared about the missing two a year ago…but now that they had become the "one big happy family" as Rusty placed it, they couldn't help but feel something missing from their daily life.

xoxox

"And this red cable over here connects…"  
The dreaded monotone of the professor droned on and on, and Yzak felt himself fighting to stay awake only five minutes into bomb disposal class. And again he found Nicol to be missing. He didn't know about the other classes, but Nicol clearly out shadowed him in the area of handling explosives.

"Now these are the various types of explosives you could make out of gas reactions…"  
The droning was interrupted by the sliding door opening hastily, and all eyes faced that way for a moment. There stood Nicol, out of breath, with a crumpled late slip in his hand. The green haired boy gave the slip to the professor without saying anything, and sat down beside Yzak as the dreaded lecture resumed its lullaby.

Yzak glanced at Nicol, sensing that something was wrong. Not just wrong, but _way_ wrong. He tore a page of his notebook, and scribbled a short message on it.  
_Where were you at lunch? They had Salisbury steaks, you know?  
_Eyeing the front for a moment, he discreetly pushed the sheet to his left. Moments later, he felt a slight nudge on his elbow.  
_-Had a little…problem. Nothing major.  
__If _you_ missed class, it has to be major.  
__-Really. I'm alright.  
__No. you aren't. Don't think I'm that stupid._

Their gazes met for a moment, and Yzak became really sure about his doubt.

_Oh come on, you can tell me. Do I seem like those two stupid bastards who couldn't think of any solution to whatever problem you have?  
__-No, really. I'd rather you not know.  
__Don't you trust me at all?_

Nicol took a deep breath after he received the last message. Sure, he _did_ trust Yzak. More than a random person of the street, for sure. But then, his "problem" was not something you could tell people, was it?

_Or is it?_ Nicol caught Yzak's eye again, and was surprised to see actual worry in the corner of his eyes. And if only for that moment, Yzak seemed like the older brother he never had… someone he could count on for advice and support. And even if Yzak wasn't really his brother, he wouldn't shun him for his little secret, would he?

-_Right then. I'll tell you after class._

Yzak seemed to be satisfied with that answer, seeing as to how it all stopped.

xoxox

"So?"  
As the two walked back to their common room after class, Yzak asked in a demanding tone. A whimsical thought to play innocent crossed Nicol's head, but he knew better than that. He braced himself for the shouting he'd probably hear once he admitted his problem to the silver-haired boy, and whispered very, _very_ softly.  
"I…uh……I think I love Athrun."  
Yzak cocked his eyebrow with incredulity, and Nicol continued to stammer.  
"As in… not like a friend. Um…uh… more than that."  
"So your point is?"

"…_What_?"  
Nicol shouted, unable to believe what he just heard. Did Yzak just ignore…or didn't mind…what he just said? How was that even _possible_?  
"I said what your point was, you deaf idiot."  
"…That is my problem."  
Yzak glanced at the younger boy, then huffed.  
"That's _it_?"

Nicol was bewildered. Now _this _was certainly not what he had been expecting. He thought Yzak would reprimand him for being gay, or furiously shout at the fact he fell in love with his arch nemesis. Well, sort of, anyway.

"…I was expecting you to start shouting at me."  
"For _what_?"  
"……uh… For what I just told you."  
Yzak seemed lost for a moment, but then started laughing. Not the usual taunting, sarcastic kind of laugh, but the laugh when he was amused…or was feeling helpful. Nicol gazed at his classmate trying to figure out what the next reaction would be.  
"Well, if you've told Rusty then he might have, but _I _wouldn't."  
"…Why not?"  
"……Don't you know?"  
"Know what?"

Yzak looked around the common room, only to spot Dearka in the corner with some of his girls. Nicol swore he saw a dangerous light flash in those blue eyes before Yzak called out to his best friend.

"Dearka! Come over here!"  
"Yes, yes, your majesty."  
The tan boy said jokingly and approached the two. And Nicol really, really lost it when he saw what happened about three seconds later.

Yzak pulled Dearka to him, and kissed him.

_Kissed him_.

The whole room fell silent, and then burst out in chaos.

"Wow, wow, _wow_!"  
"What the hell did you just do?"

Ignoring the shouts and cries from their peers, Yzak faced Nicol, a confused Dearka at his side.  
"That. So if you really _do_ love Athrun, why don't you go tell him? You never know how it will turn out."

The content smile on Yzak and Dearka (who just seemed to have realized what this was all about) gave a little encouragement to Nicol. So _he_ wasn't the only one…

"Hey, but since when?"  
Nicol asked the two, but they just laughed and kept their tongue.

* * *

_All you people out there! Yes, I'm not dead!!! I'm sorry for not updating as often as I used to... Blame it on the finals. But hey, I did really, **really** well in them!!_

_Enough randomness. So... thanks to all you guys who spent the time and effort to read the chapters, and more thanks to those who reviewed my last one... Love ya all!!_


	5. Bloody Valentine's

February 14. Valentine's Day.

The day which was to be known as the _Bloody Valentine_ started off like any other.

That incident from the day before gave Nicol a little bit more courage than usual. Not that he prepared elaborate gifts or a perfectly rehearsed skit for confessing his feelings, like many of the girls did. He just felt a little more confident about his feelings toward Athrun …that he wasn't wrong, he wasn't alone… and that blunder didn't seem like the worst thing that ever happened under the sun.

His heart felt much lighter as he hummed his way down to the cafeteria. He saw Athrun before anyone else, and was relieved to make sure they were still on talking terms.

Just a few minutes later, right after they all sat down with their food, an unbelievable sight appeared on the huge TV screen on the north side wall. The whole room fell silent, watching in horror as the screen played countless …yes, countless… nuclear missiles moving towards Junius 7, hitting it, and everything disappearing among the bright light. By the second time it was played, though, everything exploded into chaos.

"Junius 7 was just an agricultural plant, goddamn Naturals!"  
"……Liz…! Liz was there!"  
"…Was there anyone who survived? Does…"  
"What the hell do they want? Are they seriously going to kill us _all_?"  
"Shut up, I can't hear the news report!"

The green haired boy could not comprehend what was just shown to them. A nuclear attack? That was impossible…wasn't it?  
It took a while, but it dawned on him. _No_. It _was_. They just showed it, didn't they?

He turned around amidst the shouts and cries, and saw Athrun frozen to the spot, his pale face even whiter.

xoxox

"…Yes. Yes. ……No. Yes. Yes. No. Goodbye."  
Athrun slammed the receiver of the phone with shaking hands. His knees were shaking even more, and he could feel his heartbeat pounding on his sweaty, clenched fist.  
_Lenore Zala, confirmed to be dead.  
_He hated how his father's voice on the other end seemed so calm and collected while telling him the news.

And then he hated how weak and useless he was. He couldn't even save his own _mother_, what the _hell_ was he doing in the academy?

He turned around, giving way to the next person in line for the pay phone, and saw Nicol with his brows furrowed with concern. He just felt like going over to the younger boy and cry his heart out. Instead, he tried to steady his shaking limbs and headed toward the exit. Nicol followed him.  
"A…Athrun?"  
Just the tone of Nicol's voice told what he wanted to ask. Athrun shook his head, scared that his voice might give him away… He wanted, _at least_, to seem half-decent in front of Nicol. Even after that kiss. But that gentle, condoling look was too much. He broke, in the middle of the hallway, _in front of Nicol_, but he could not stop the tears from overflowing.

xoxox

"_The last time I saw her was when she left for Junius 7…"  
_He could only nod.  
"_The last thing I said to her was, 'When can I see you again?'…!"  
_He could only pat the other boy's shoulder.  
"…_I still haven't given her her birthday present……"  
_He could only hug the other boy, trying to say it was alright.

Except, it was _not_ alright.

_Nothing _was alright. A seemingly happy day had turned into nothing short of a catastrophe within moments. By the time the two of them got out of the phone booth, the whole academy was erupting with cries, shouts, and other noises that came directly from hell. Athrun was not alone in breaking down; the whole building…no, the whole PLANTS was in the middle of a hysterical breakdown.

Nicol knew that whatever he said would only sound hollow and cheap. It was not as if he lost his mother…or saw the moment when she was blown off into space. No matter how he tried, he would never understand the sorrow Athrun felt at the moment. All he could do was stay…he remembered someone say that the warmth and heartbeat of another person was the most comforting thing when you were depressed.

"……Nicol…"  
"Yes?"  
When Athrun said his name after the longest silence, Nicol almost jumped in surprise.  
"…I'm sorry."  
"There's nothing you should apologize for."  
"……I…I just don't know what to do…!"  
The urgency of his voice and the lost look on his face weighed down on Nicol's heart. How could he help? What could he do to help Athrun?  
"Come on, you have to rest a little… It won't do you any good if you strain yourself too much."  
"But I……"  
Nicol shook his head and tried to put the most assuring, gentle smile on his face. He then pulled the other dazed boy to his feet and brought him back to his room. And as Athrun literally collasped onto his bed, tears swelled in his brown eyes.

_Why? Why did it have to be him?_ _Why does this have to happen to anyone?_

xoxox

"…ol… Hey Nicol!"  
An angry voice rang from the other side of the hallway, and Nicol turned his tear-strained face to that direction. As he had predicted, it was Yzak.  
"…Yzak……"  
"Were you crying? What about Athrun, where is he?"  
The platinum blonde inquired as he walked through the sea of people to the younger boy. Nicol waited until Yzak made his way beside him.  
"……Athrun's in his room. He blacked out, sort of."  
Yzak shook his head, concern, anger and confusion all present in his actions.  
"I just got through to my mother… They've just sent people to look for any survivors, but so far……"  
The way his voice trailed off told everything. They were unsuspecting ordinary citizens, unprepared for nuclear missiles hitting their colony…and even if they _did_ survive the initial blow, by the amount of radiation that should be around that area… It was hopeless from the very beginning.

"…Damn. God _damn_ it!"  
"Nicol…"  
"Why? Just tell me, _why_?"  
"…Because they are fuckin' bastards, that's why."  
"………"  
Nicol knew it was wrong, but for once he knew what the extremists felt like, and agreed with them.

"Yzak! Nicol!"  
A familiar blonde waved at them from outside the building, which Nicol just realized they were heading to. And for once, that trademark grin on Dearka's face was gone.  
"You're so _slow_! Get your freakin' ass over here!"  
"…You mean _you_'re heading over."  
They sighed unconsciously when they finally got out of the building and the sea of people still drowning in grief and terror. Then they headed over to Dearka who was now waiting on a bench outside.

"Nothing about survivors. Seems like the whole thing is completely destroyed… no one even got into pods."  
The unusual graveness of Dearka's face and voice seemed to emphasize the seriousness of everything. Yzak nodded, but Nicol was still too stunned by the whole turn of events and didn't know how to respond.  
"How about Rusty? Did he find out…"  
"Nah. He was trying to get his dad's number from his mom, but she flipped out and so he had to give up."

It was then that Yzak's cell phone started to ring. He irritably clicked his tongue, but when he saw who it was from his expression changed completely.  
"Mother? Yes. ………No, he's sleeping. Yes. Yes. Alright, thank you. Bye."  
He snapped his phone shut, started pulling the other two into the building again.  
"Hey hey hey! What the hell!"  
Dearka protested, but was silenced by Yzak's glare.  
"They found several bodies. She says it should be on the news soon… There's something she wants us all to see for ourselves."

It took a full fifteen minutes to get back to the cafeteria where they all started, and they were just in time for the second time that ghastly piece of 'information' was aired.

"Again, the rescue time has recovered several bodies from Junius 7, although they are too disfigured for identification. From the condition of these bodies, the chances for any survivors seems even lower than it did in the start…"

The overly stern news caster's face was replaced by "photos" of the recovered bodies. That ghastly picture that traumatized all who saw it.

What they _claimed_ to be 'bodies' looked like a piece of metal left in the furnace too long. Those caramel colored "things" did not resemble anything like humans. Or did they, with those slight gaps that resembled a mouth on the surface which was too melted to be sure of anything? Whatever should have been the eyes was non-existent anyway; why bother to tell people they were bodies? That was how shocking…how terrible it was.

Nicol felt something rise in his throat, but he was unsure whether it was vomit or a cry of disbelief. It was _sick_. Just not _right_. Why did people have to think of such terrible things: weapons, nuclear bombs, _war_…? He turned and saw pure disgust on Yzak's face and bitterness on Dearka's face. What was it about people that couldn't stop hurting others?

He turned his head again to face the TV, when he caught a blue object in the distance. _No, he can't see this…_ Nicol turned his head _again_, right in time to see Athrun faint on the door.

* * *

_To be honest, this story is taking me where I never thought it would. And I've no idea where it will end up in. I thought this would be just another romance fic... It turns out I thought wrong._

_I'm sorry, reckless-rage (to whom this fic is dedicated to!) if this is going somewhere you don't like... but it just dawned on me that the last Valentine's day they had in the Academy must have been the Bloody Valentines, and I can't just let Athrun ignore his mother's death._

_Nukes are disgusting things. I am a Japanese, therefore a national of the only country in which an atomic bomb has been dropped. I have grown up with the facts about it, but today when I was writing this chapter, I browsed the net for a bit about information... and I was stunned to see how much more there was to know. If you have any time in your hands, please, _please_ try to see what these things can do. It's sick. Now I feel like I value the word "peace" a little more._

_Thanks as always to my readers and reviewers. Thank you for letting me write this fic, resulting in this realization I should have had years ago._


	6. Breakdown

"Dude, that must have been really harsh on him…"  
"Damnit, Dearka, would you _please_ be a little bit more discreet?"  
"Sorry, but you're pretty loud too."

Nicol tightened his grip on Athrun's hand while listening to his classmates bickering. After Athrun fainted at the pictures of the bodies from Junius 7, the three of them carried Athrun to the clinic. There were more people than they'd ever seen inside there, suffering from symptoms that probably came from mental shock. Sobs, screams and utter despair flooded this part of the building too. There was no escaping from it.

_Where did the world go wrong?_ Nicol thought to himself while fighting back his tears. It was all too much to place in words, but he didn't need anything more than the burning sensation in his throat.

And it was Valentine's day, for heaven's sake. Although he had trouble believing in such a thing like heaven at the moment. This was supposed to be the day of love, and the Naturals had to choose _this_ day to annihilate hundreds of thousands of people. He thought about all the piles of chocolate that was probably in Athrun's desk, put by all of his admirers who woke up even before that news report. He thought about how _he_, too, contemplated joining the multitude for this one day, but he was so glad now that he didn't.

As if red and pink wrapping paper wasn't enough to make the loss worse.

"……Nicol…?"  
A choked whisper brought the green haired boy back to his senses. He was relieved to see Athrun awake again, but at the same time he was scared. Scared of…everything.  
"Yes, Athrun."  
The porcelain face with emerald eyes carried every form of anguish possible. His whole existence was somewhat jaded, and that even caused Yzak and Dearka to shut up for a moment.  
"Was there any news of survivors? Or at least, did they…"  
Nicol closed his eyes, unable to look at Athrun straight in the eye. How he wished he could nod, and tell the older boy that Mrs. Zala had been found alive. Or that Mrs. Zala was on a shuttle from Junius 7, and luckily escaped the tragedy.

But the fact was, he could not. False hope was the worst thing anyone can give Athrun at the moment.

He quietly shook his head. The disappointment, if that word ever sufficed for what it really was, of the blue haired boy was tangible as he turned around and faced his back to Nicol, Yzak and Dearka.  
"I… I'm sorry, Athrun."  
"…Don't say that."  
The tone of his voice _screamed_ to be left alone, so the three had no choice but to leave the clinic. It was getting very crowded anyway, and they probably couldn't afford space for three perfectly healthy children.

"…Fuck this."  
Yzak muttered dangerously as he punched the wall right outside the clinic, making a visible dent on the surface. Dearka looked as though he wanted to join in the swearing, if it wasn't for Nicol.  
"Nicol, you too. Are you alright?"  
The youngest boy was always pale, but never like that. He was always a little shaky, but not like that.  
"…I'm probably much better off than Athrun."  
"Which isn't good enough."  
"How do you expect me to be happy when…when…"  
Nicol's voice started shaking, and both Yzak and Dearka felt like tearing the whole world down. This was just too much…for Athrun, for Nicol…for _everyone_.

"I think I…need to think a little."  
The hazel eyes slightly trembled, and the two older boys nodded as a response. And before long, a teetering green head joined the endless bobbing of heads in the hallway.

"You know what?"  
Dearka's question was met with crystal blue orbs that just _now_ started to tremble under the gravity of everything. The blonde pulled Yzak to him with shaky arms and hugged him tightly.  
"I'm glad _you_'re here."  
Being the two older ones in the gang, they somehow felt like they had to keep calm and collected…and they succeeded in doing that, as far as they were concerned. They knew that they had to support Athrun and Nicol through this emotionally upsetting …words sounded so hollow, by the way… occurrence.

But now that they were both away, something had finally broken down in them. They stood there crying silently, comforting each other with their warmth.

Although they were a few years older than Athrun or Nicol, they were still children after all.

xoxox

Nicol dived into his bed without bothering to turn on his lights. Wherever his roommate went, he neither knew nor cared at the point.

_Athrun…!_

He swore he could have torn his heart right there, right then. Or screamed till his lungs collapsed. All he had to do was remember that hurt look and condemning tone of Athrun, and tears involuntarily flowed out of his eyes. And to think that what he felt was nothing, absolutely _nothing_ compared to what Athrun must have felt?

Nicol curled up into a small ball, but it didn't offer as much comfort as he wished it would. This day was so much longer and unpleasant than he had ever imagined it could be.

_Goddamn Valentine's_, he thought.  
_And damn them Naturals._

Exhaustion and apathy filled his mind and eventually blacked it out.

* * *

_So... Here is my latest chapter for this story so far._

_Yes, I am aware it is so short and it is by far the crappiest thing I've written. I was practically suffocating as I wrote this... From the heaviness of it all and the overratedness of it all._

_To make a note: Yes, I did put _"and damn them Naturals"_ as Nicol's thought at the moment. This does not mean that I support ZAFT more than the EA or whatever allusion it may make to the real world, but this is just part of the string of thoughts in Nicol's mind now. I thought it was only natural and very possible for someone to feel strong repugnance towards the other force at such a situation.  
In fact, I feel that is exactly how the cycle of war goes on, which from my opinion was what Destiny was all about._

_Anyways..._

_I'm sorry I'm posting this chapter, since it is probably so unbelievably boring. Action is planned in the next chapter though...hopefully.  
_


	7. Resurrection

For some reason or another which majority of the students failed to understand, the academic day commenced the next morning like usual.

It was only natural that all of the classes were only half full, at the most.

Nicol had woken up and gone to school feeling like a machine. A machine who did not have the ability to choose or to think. The only thought that got through to his head was, so many students had a dead look in their eyes that day. He failed to realize he too looked like that.

Those were the dire consequences of war, as the youths once ambitious soldiers-to-be realized overnight. To become a soldier meant to fight a war. To fight a war meant to kill. To kill meant to make the families of the victims go through a living hell.

To kill meant to completely erase the existence of someone.  
To kill meant to make so much more people devoid.  
To _kill_ the Naturals they were fighting in the war meant, to these youths, to remember this day and the emotional turmoil they were experiencing every time they pointed a gun at their enemy. Every time they destroyed a mobile suit. Every time they bombed the Earth. Every time they did anything that defined them as a soldier.  
To _kill_ meant to remember, somewhere deep down in their hearts, that the people who loved that person would hate them with such intensity.

They had just realized that the path they so eagerly took led to _that_.

The air that filled the academy was no clearer that it was yesterday. In fact, it was even more suffocating. Maybe it was the guilt for surviving, or not losing anyone close in the tragedy, or for being powerless children. Maybe it was that blaring anger that just would not go away. Or maybe it was that heart wrenching sorrow for the loss of everything.

It probably was the fear. It could be _them_ next time. Or they could shoot nuclear missiles and annihilate the whole PLANTS.

And the soon-to-be-soldiers, even though they realized the horrific deeds they were about to do, had no wish to stop fighting. Because to stop fighting meant to make them vulnerable to the dangers. It meant to accept the Naturals killing them and their loved ones without a word.

They were at a point where they were willing to pay _any_ price to protect their world.

The hallways were filled noise. It may have been people talking, lamenting, _whatever_, but it only registered as noise in Nicol's head.

He even scowled mechanically at the unpleasant sounds buzzing in his ear. It was just horribly wrong. All of it.

Then he finally realized he had not yet seen Athrun that whole day.

xoxox

Athrun on the other hand, was now out of the clinic and back in his room. That was where the improvement stopped, though. He had been sitting on his bunk since then, his mind completely zoned out. Everything was faded and fuzzy…and it wasn't all too bad. It was better than having to face the fact that his mother had died in such a brutal way, and by no means could he even see her dead body again.

Oh _great_, he thought of it again. He felt something rise in his chest and involuntarily looked around for something to throw up on…but when he realized that only the burning sensation of acid reached his throat and nothing else, he almost started laughing hysterically. He already had thrown up everything, hadn't he?

He didn't have enough energy left for laughing, but a cynical smile did manage to get to him.

_Fuck this_.

Then he darted to his desk, grabbed the picture frame with the only picture of his whole family in it, and threw it on the ground. The glass shattered into a million different pieces, but that was the whole point. It didn't really matter. He didn't care about jabbing his feet onto a floor full of glass pieces, and his roommate had left last night because his older brother had died.

He was going to rip the picture into pieces too, when something happened and he just couldn't do it. He left that piece of paper on the floor and packed his bag unwillingly. Going to class was probably the only way to keep him out of this endless misery-loop he found himself in.

xoxox

"Athrun…"  
The blue head almost missed the faint voice that caught him at the hallway. He certainly would have ignored it if it had not been Nicol's. He turned around wearily, trying not to notice the pang of hurt in his heart at…whatever he felt hurt for. He did not know what. He did not care.  
"…What, Nicol?"  
The words came out of his mouth a lot sharper than he might have liked. He felt a cold double-edged sword slither back to his conscience. Nicol flinched a little, but continued in an unexpectedly steady voice.  
"If… If you ever need anything, feel free to ask, okay?"  
Athrun smiled, hoping he didn't look as sarcastic as he was feeling. That line might have made his day at any other given day. Just not now. Not that day.

It pained him to realize how empty words really could sound. It pained him all the more because he knew Nicol, of all people, would have meant it sincerely.

Whatever word he might have emptily returned was cut off by the classroom bell ringing loudly in their ear. And for once, Athrun was glad to get away from those gentle, sincere, pure hazel eyes that bore right through his torn up soul.

He started to resume the act of walking when he abruptly bumped into someone. Cursing at the fact that he failed to look up from the floor while walking, he started an automated apology…  
"You freakin' _idiot_!"  
Which he never got to finish. Before he knew it, his collar was grabbed by that someone and he was staring right into piercing blue orbs that were flashing angrily.

"Yzak…"  
"You fuckin' bastard!"  
Yzak was shaking him so violently that he didn't even bother to respond. As if he wasn't feeling apathetic enough; he did _not_ need his so called friend shouting at him.

"You…you…"  
As the shaking gradually stopped, Athrun looked up coldly at Yzak. The silver haired flinched a little, while Athrun said in an equally cold voice.  
"What do you want? I'm going to be late for class."  
"I know that!"  
"Then what?"  
Athrun didn't mean to sound so indifferent. Yes, there was a deep-seated rivalry between the two…but they were still part of that 'one big happy family' which was starting to fall apart. But something inside him had snapped with Junius 7.

"…Don't go around looking like that!"  
"Like what?"  
Yzak glared at him and shoved him into the bathroom, which coincidentally was right beside them. He then literally pushed Athrun's face into the mirror.  
"Your eyes are _dead_."  
Athrun wearily looked at his own reflection, and felt a coldness run down his spine.

His eyes _were_ dead. They were empty and unfocused, and was even a little bit glazed. There was no life in them whatsoever.

"Come on…"  
Yzak's voice suddenly broke, and desperation was clearly etched into it. Then Athrun realized that this was the hot-headed boy's way of comforting him somehow. And it had worked, a little. The realization seemed to have stuck his soul back at the back of his eyes.  
"…Thanks."  
He left a soft word of gratitude as he resumed the act of going to class.

Lenore Zala was dead. He had lost his mother.

But _he_ was still alive. And that mattered.

* * *

_Wow, okay. So this was totally unplanned. I have no idea how this will even slightly resemble the story line I first had in mind. If this is totally different from what anyone had ever expected, let me tell you I'm probably as...if not more surprised than all of you._

_As usual, thanks to all my readers, especially my reviewers... Thanks for being patient to get this...short chapter, so to say._


End file.
